Let's skip the welcome to my blog post, since you already know you're here.
I don't know anyone who likes to go to the dentist, and if you do, please leave a comment with your name, address, and nearest mental institution so we can get you some help. We must all go to the dentist, however, and I went today.
I do not like the dentist.
First of all, of the time spent there, only 1/8th is actually spent with the dentist (after 1/8th's worth of time waiting for him). And what does he do? Counts my teeth. I'm 21 year old, for god's sake! I think I would tell you if I've lost a tooth! And then I get the "floss every day" lecture, which I promptly ignore, so really, that was 2/8ths of the time wasted.
The other 6/8ths, which are far more painful, involve the dental hygienist. My dental hygienist, who happens to share my name, is a lovely woman--except for the part where she hunts down the plaque on my teeth with sharp pointy instruments like she's on a mission from God. And just like other missions from God, this one ends in blood--the blood on my gums, on my teeth, on her plaque-hunting sharp pointy instruments. And let's not forget the blood I spit out into that little white spit sink (or whatever they call it in dentist hygienist terms). I like the spit sink. One of my fondest memories (not that there are many of them) is the time I figured out how to work said spit sink. There's a little switch. This switch turns on water that shoots from a tiny metal tube and is supposed to wash away all the bloody spit. Maybe I was smaller and therefore had less spit, but I remember that the water actually used to wash it away, but it doesn't do any good now.
That only covers the first bit, of course. Sometimes, the water pick gets involved--what do they use that for, anyway? Sure, it feels nice, but I can't imagine it does much good other than to wash all the nasty bloody bits away. And after the water pick comes my least favorite part--the brushing of the teeth. Now, regular toothbrushes are okay, since they have nice soft bristles, but clearly, the dentist has never heard of regular toothbrushes. Dental hygienist toothbrushes involve a spinning head that has no softness at all, and the toothpaste is ultra-concentrated. This sort of tooth brushing does not make my mouth feel clean. It makes my mouth hurt and makes my brain hurt, since spinning metal tends to create a nasty screechy noise that travels right up through the bone. It also makes me want to go brush my teeth with a real brush to get out the ultra-concentrate toothpaste crystals that get inbetween the teeth.
And then, after all that, is it over? No. Just in case some plaque somehow fled inbetween my teeth along with the crystals, the dental hygienist has to floss, during which there is a floss lecture.
So really--own up. Do you floss every day?
I don't.
